Celebrating Men

Finding a Pathway back to healthy manhood and masculinity

We often talk in marveling tones of the 15 and 16-year-old boys who faked their age to sign up and fight in the First World War. Their fierce desire to serve and to make life safe for others was truly powerful and extraordinary. It was representative of a deep genetic quality of men, to guard, protect and to make safe.

Some Data:

In 2023, we see men committing suicide at nearly 3-4 times the rate of women. Whilst deaths from suicide per 100,000 have not risen greatly since 1923, recoded cases of mental health issues have. The number of deaths by suicide has, of course, risen substantially with population increases.

Women, whilst less likely to suicide, are twice as likely to be hospitalized for self-harm than men and are more likely to report mental health challenges.

Recent data reveals that in the past year, 71% of GP visits related to mental health challenges.

Whilst 42.9% of people aged 16–85 years had experienced a mental disorder at some time in their life, 21.5% of people had a 12-month mental disorder, with Anxiety being the most common group (17.2% of people aged 16–85 years)

38.8% of people aged 16–24 years had a 12-month mental disorder. This figure is alarming.

The most high-risk age bracket for both males and females is between 40 and 54 where 29.1% of all male suicides occur and 25.8% of female suicides.

It seems, over the past 100 years, that suicide rates rise in unison with significant economic or social events.

Note: Data Gathered from the Australian Bureau of Statistics, “National Study of Mental Health and Wellbeing”, and The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare “Suicide and Self Harm Monitoring” report.

What is the Cause?

Who knows for sure, right! I have been touched by suicide, and attempted suicide, on several occasions. Many of them were a complete surprise. In other cases, the signs were there. The most bizarre was an extremely close female friend. She was beautiful intelligent, highly educated, had two young daughters and was widely admired. Her marriage was on the rocks, and she achieved a determination, it seemed, to either hold the marriage together or not be here.

We talked for a long time, and many others reached for her. But nothing was going to change her mind and in April 2006 I received the call I had been dreading.

For many, an attempt at suicide could be a cry for help or a brutal demonstration of how bad they feel. But for those who leave without a note, we are left to wonder.

My Hypothesis

First, I could be completely wrong about this. But I feel it is well worth expressing to open a different avenue of discussion. So, I would like to explore humiliation.

“We learn humility through accepting humiliations cheerfully.” Mother Teresa

We are all born as pure beings who know nothing of the world and watch with curiosity and interest. As we grow, we learn from our experiences, our interactions, and our education. If some experiences are harsh, we may develop fearful attitudes to life. If we grow up in a stable and loving environment, we will possess the confidence to step into life.

There are billions of permutations and combinations that create a life. This explains why some people rise from horrific childhoods to become great leaders, and others with seemingly idyllic childhoods turn out to become little more than ruined bums.

Part of the journey is the development of the ego, and the integration of that same ego. The ego has been explained by many, going back as far as the Ancient Greeks and Chinese, to modern authors like Tolle, Dyer and Dispenza.

I studied Human Consciousness using the materials and teachings of Harry Palmer for more than 15 years. My study was sometimes intellectual but most often experiential, exploring my own ego and supporting others as they explored theirs. This involved many opportunities to integrate my ego and allow it to flower anew.

Many criticize the ego as if it were a bad thing. But if it were not for Lennon and McCartney’s egos, we probably would not have had the Beatles.

To put it simply, the ego evolves as we venture into an idea. We may wish to create something or explore being someone. For example, we may wish to start a business, or perhaps we may decide to become a much cooler character than we have been before.

As we grow this new extension of ourselves, we may find some success and discover confidence. We may begin to feel powerful and increase the magnitude of what we are creating. None of that is bad, until we lose some control, become a little intoxicated on our own fumes, and begin doing things our best self would never contemplate.

The further we go, the greater chance we will make an error big enough to leave us humiliated. Humiliation, it has been said, is the thing people fear more than death itself.

The path to avoiding such a catastrophe is to continue to act with humility in life and to perform humbling tasks on a regular basis.

But I am guessing that many men partake in activities in their life that they would never condone in their children. A step down an erroneous path leads to a slippery slope and a visit to some form of hell. The humiliation associated with seeking help is just too overwhelming for some to contemplate.

A former partner shared with me about an experience of appalling domestic violence she was subjected to where a man took over her life, using constant monitoring, grave threats, and sadistic violence to keep her under his control. When I asked her why she did not speak up to work colleagues or friends and she said, “I felt humiliated and stupid that I, an intelligent woman, would get myself into such a predicament”.

For many, death is a more attractive option than humiliation. The situation may be pending business failure, gambling debts, strong but suppressed sexual desires, being caught out doing something embarrassing, the loss of a relationship, or some other situation they see as terrible and are keeping secret.

The remedy for any of these situations is to reveal it to someone trusted and allow some support, to be able to go through the devastation of the humiliation and begin the task of repairing damage and healing. But the human mind has a way of catastrophizing things in such a way that transgression created out of stupidity can be blown out of proportion to become too frightening to face.

To navigate these times, the quality we need more than any is a robust capacity for self-honesty. Such a quality does not happen by accident. It requires a courageous journey to rational self-discovery.

We cannot pretend honesty and integrity. Our moments of dishonesty are the red flags that tell us we have more work to do. They are not a sign of failure. Pretense lies in the realm of the ego and is never a part of the core of our being.

“You are who you are. You are not what you have done.” Lakota Sioux Indian Proverb

I believe the terror of humiliation, arising from some the protection of some awful secret, may well be the most significant motivation for suicide.

A Genuine Pathway of Growth

Perhaps the answer lies in our approach to life. It could be argued that very few people live a “spiritual existence”.

If we wander aimlessly, we will probably end up lost. It seems clear that all human beings need a certain degree of direction and reasonable goals.

Culturally, we are provided with some goals, e.g., grow up, get an education, get a good job, explore your interests, find a partner, start a family, save for retirement. It is a path that may, for many, present as mundane at best.

It is easy to see the curiosity in a toddler as they explore their surroundings. But what happens if a controlling parent or schooling system seeks to dampen that curiosity to create more order? No doubt some children arrive with an indominable will and will ultimately do what they want to do. Others have their will broken and may never recover.

Then there are those children who grow up monitoring their environment, careful not to make a false move or take a wrong step, never taking a risk and never testing their own capacity for adventure and decision making.

But there is a problem, and it is so eloquently described by Fyodor Dostoevsky, “The mystery of human existence lies not in just staying alive, but in finding something to live for.”

I would argue that, for a human being to really thrive, they need to unearth some passion they hold for living. This passion may be reflected in a career, a hobby, a quest, or cause, or in some creative arena like art, music or literature.

This is the realm of the spirit. Living a spiritual life does not mean a religious life. It is a life that seeks to fulfill the mission and potential of the spirit, to find a meaningful quest that fills the heart with adventure, courage, sustained intention, and a desire to serve for the greater good.

Staying on this path is never easy but herein lies some of the magic of human life.

A Personal Moral Code

This path to creating good, and doing meaningful work is perhaps the platform for the development of a robust sense of self, and a reliable moral compass one can use to navigate existence.

As we grow and progress, we will make mistakes. We will make stupid decisions. But with enough support from trusted mentors, we learn those lessons and gain moral strength. As we progress, we learn to heed the warnings of our intuition, and make decisions based on what we feel to be right. Sometimes, such decisions require the calling forth of great courage.

As we strengthen this moral compass, we begin to navigate life with mor care and more deliberate intention, steering clear of the pitfalls of temptation and indulgence, creating stability, peace of mind and trust.

As we travel this path, our hearts open and our care extends way beyond personal concern into the realm of the other. We develop a concern for the relief of suffering and for bringing justice to the oppressed, and safety to the vulnerable. And from this place we desire to see everyone back on their feet and confidently living life.

“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have sadness on earth.” Fyodor Dostoevsky

But these are not the things that lead men to anxiety, depression, or suicide. The triggers for these are self-loathing, fear of exposure, pending humiliation and a complete loss of self.

The Solution Lies in the Beginning

I guess, the solution to solving the mental health crisis in men is to go back to the beginning, to when the child is born or to when the five-year-old commences school.

Our quest must be to build a schooling system and a community environment that see a child for who they are, to nurture their natural strengths and to guide them in their quest for self-discovery, to treat their mistakes as richly important opportunities for learning, and to give them the space they need to find their calling, and to trust they will find it.

Communities need to step in to support a child when their parents are failing, to help them feel both safe and hopeful. Sporting clubs need to have the right people in place to teach boys a safe and stable pathway to manhood, teaching them to live respectfully, with courage and self-discipline.

Workplaces would be better served to build mentorships into their structures. Courts could be far more effective if they could direct young offenders to genuinely good, high intentioned programs where stability, self-confidence and personal inspiration can be restored.

And I doubt this would take much. We just need leaders whoa re prepared to paint an inspiring picture, to shine a light on an old way that can become a powerful new way.

And whilst society needs behavioral boundaries where violence, theft, inflicting fear, damaging another’s property or restricting another’s freedom, are not tolerated, neither punishing nor pitying seems to work well.

Creating spaces where offenders have opportunities to learn, face their victims and work to make amends is a better healing path. But if we continue to condemn, punish and then eternally brand people, we take away their options to right their wrongs.

We can do better. Inspiration, loving guidance, and ongoing learning help people to grow, evolve and become their best self. We can do that.

Supporting boys and young men to grow into strong, confident, and stable men will bring guardianship, care, and safety back to our communities.