Finding Your Masculinity

Taking on Life as an Adventure.

Photo from Pexels by Ahn Nguyen

Born a Male

If you were born a male, then you are most likely on a pathway to becoming a man. What that looks like is up to you. In recent years we have explored a lot of perspectives around gender, including labels like transgender, non-binary and some others.

Whilst many commentators and sectors of the media tried hard to impose these as long-term realities that have only recently been discovered, we know that in times gone by, in the years leading into societal collapse, many great civilizations became obsessed with gender.

The thing I found interesting about this was the efforts to force others into complying. There were profound efforts to force everyone to accept a new reality being proposed by minority groups. These sorts of things destabilize societies. In the process, masculinity was being derided as toxic and many young men, keen to find their place in the world, began to express some level of shame for being a man.

The best viewpoint I heard, from a mentor, is that these people were seeking to normalize mental illness. People with gender confusion need a lot of care and support. We should have compassion for them as they progress through their struggles, but you should never allow their plight to have you second guessing who you are and the place you seek to occupy in the world. *

Gay or Straight, you are on your way to becoming a man. It is up to you as to what type of man you will be.

* Footnote: Gender Dysphoria is a real thing. It tends to appear in very young boys, at a rate of about one in ever 10,000. Most, if given the right support, and it is a genuine struggle, turn out to be gay men and go on to live happy lives. There is a much smaller incidence in girls, but the numbers have exploded since around the time the “Climate Change” hysteria rolled across the globe.

Who Do You Want to Become?

What inspires you? Who is a man you look at and feel you’d like to emulate? It could be a real person, or someone portrayed in a film. What are the qualities that man displays that you feel drawn to?

This is not a quick Q & A. This takes some pondering and contemplation. These thoughts help you in your planning to become the best version of you that you can create. I saw a meme once that read, “Be yourself. Everyone else is taken!” What is the footprint that you are going to leave in this world?

One day, many decades from now, someone you love is going to stand up in a chapel and deliver a eulogy to your life. What are they going to say? What is that thing you did so well that they are going to want to praise?

You may not become a famous politician, athlete, or music star. You do not have to live a “Grand” life, but you can still live a “Great” life.

When you finally get a sense of who you want to be, see it out in front of you. Then, contemplate where you are right now, honestly. What stands between where you are now and where you aspire to be; that’s your journey.

It is not a Race. It is a Quest!

It is not about time. You don’t have to become the best version of you by the time you are 18. Life is about continually evolving. I am 65 and I am still evolving. I’m still making mistakes. I guess when we cease to grow and evolve, we are probably ready for the grave.

This is about becoming your own coach and your own student. Quiet contemplation allows you to assess how you are doing. When you shoot your mouth off, for example, and say the wrong thing, later in your quiet time you can ask yourself, “What was I feeling then that had me do that? Was I uncomfortable, or wanting some attention?” These are honest questions that deliver answers. Then you resolve to pay attention to those feelings or urges next time so you can choose not to react to them.

If you have a trusted friend, explore it with them. Talking and sharing feelings and ideas, allowing another perspective, brings clarity and learning.

I know men in their 50’s who are still behaving like teenagers. Don’t let that be you.

Virtues – Qualities to Develop

Virtues are wise choices for those who wish to live a good life. They are the anchor points you can bind yourself to as you scale the lofty mountains arising from your hopes and dreams. There are many. I am sure you could come up with a great list. I am going to define a few yere.

1. Honesty: Being truly honest with yourself and with others creates clarity. It builds trust and it minimizes the risks of worry. When you are not honest, some of your attention is always being used to watch your back, to avoid being exposed.

2. Integrity: Know the wholeness of who you are and never compromise that to please another or to opportunistically get something.

3. Kindness: People will always remember you for how you treated them. I worked with a lot of footballers over the years and saw some amazing feats. Matthew Richardson was one of those. I can recall one or two of Matthew’s feats, but not as clearly as I remember the many times I saw him being deeply kind to people, adults, and kids.

4. Compassion: Remember, you do not know what is going on in someone’s life. When someone cuts you off on the freeway, you can just as easily assume that one of their kids has been injured in an accident and they are fearful and stressed, as you can assume they are just an asshole. You will always feel more at peace if you extend compassion to people and accept that they are as human as you are.

5. Acceptance: Not everything will turn out the way you want it to. You can get angry or depressed, or critical. Or you can just accept that today wasn’t the day and direct your energy to what you can do next. This takes away a great deal of reactivity, powerlessness, and distress.

6. Acknowledgement: When you see people do good things, let them know. It is important to recognise people’s good efforts. It gives them the juice to keep going.

7. Encouragement: This means to “give courage to.” When you see someone who is trying, let them know. Let them know you see them and that you admire their efforts. Sometimes it is a cool thing to publicly acknowledge someone, or a business, on social media. Tell the world about how amazing this person is.

8. Gratitude: Sometimes we can be a “thankless” lot. But stop a moment and look at how amazing your life is. What can you be thankful for. Gratitude brings peace and restores creative energy. Writing a gratitude list at night before bed is a powerful way to bring peaceful sleep.

9. Forgiveness: * This is a tough one for many people, but it is perhaps the most powerful of the virtues. Remember you are human and so are other people. People can do really dumb things, sometimes cruel and thoughtless things. But we are never fully aware of what is happening in their world or what struggles or fears they have. Keep yourself out of danger and when you are ready, extend forgiveness to your perpetrators, then commit to being more aware and mindful next time to not fall into a similar situation. This also means you must forgive yourself when you do dumb things.

10. Restoration: * When you do the wrong thing and you affect others, you must clean it up. There are steps. First, admit it. No excuses, you did it. Second, make a commitment to not do that again and to working on yourself to become a better person. Third, make amends. If need be, take on an action or task to repair the damage. Doing so will rebuild trust.

11. Selfless Service: Whenever you can. Step up and help simply because help is needed. You can join a foodbank if you like or some other volunteer role. Or you might see something else you’d like to do, perhaps anonymously, to relieve suffering or make someone else’s life better.

12. Empathy: Every person has their story. You do not know what is going on in another person’s life. When someone is behaving in a way you might find offensive, it is wise to assume they are not having their best day. Send them a quiet blessing in the hope that things will get better for them.

13. Patience: Sometimes we have no choice and must wait. Traffic can be jammed, or a checkout line might be long. Resistance can slow a clock down. Choosing to be patient and to find a way to enjoy the delay brings peace to your heart. You might even get to strike up a conversation with a stranger and make a new friend.

14. Good Humor: You can be deeply conscientious without having to be overly serious. You can have fun whilst still doing great work. Seriousness can lock up your mind, make you unapproachable, and take the joy out of your life.

15. Guardianship: Taking care of others means that sometimes you need to step up and have their back. Sometimes by intervening in something at work, you are being a guardian for a colleague, or even for your employer. Out in the world you will notice things that are not right, or potentially dangerous or hurtful to another person. If you see it, it is your job to do something to ensure the situation is cared for and that nobody gets hurt. You do not need a Batman suit. It may just be a quiet word, an alert to a manager, or call to the police.

15.

16. Courage: There is no courage if there is no fear. Sometimes, life will throw you a curve ball. You can see what is needed but nobody else seems to notice or agree. You have the choice to dismiss what you feel and hide or step up and face some blowback. Not acting when you know you should have, leads to the worst kind of self-degrading thinking.

I am sure I could list many more. These are very useful.

* Forgiveness and Integrity are deeply significant areas of self-growth. Harry Palmer created a series of Mini Courses, as part of the Avatar® Materials, that you can download and work through alone. You can download them here. If you need a coach, reach out to one of the people on this site. There are also online interactive versions you can find at the site.

Your Moral Compass

A moral compass does not arrive in your space on your 18^th birthday. In fact, I get a sense we are born and become preschoolers with a very clear sense of what is right and what is not right. But then life leads us down a path where events and people can lead us into doubt. Sometimes our struggle for survival, recognition, or acceptance can result in us placing more importance into what we seek as opposed to our own integrity.

I think it is important to also state that you cannot derive your moral compass from a religious book or from another person or group. It is not about finding a set of rules you can follow to fit in. It is about you discovering yourself and what you value and what brings forth the best of your own humanity.

Take quiet time to contemplate. Take up meditation if you like. This is not a thinking process. It is a feeling process. Perhaps you can sit and listen to music that soothes you, allowing space for realizations and epiphanies.

Sometimes, your mind will override what you feel, and you will ignore your moral compass. These moments bring tough lessons, but it is so important that you take the lesson on with interest and acceptance. Learn from it. Try not to make the same mistake twice.

Mistakes, Failures and Lessons

We all make mistakes. When we do, we can use them to beat ourselves up and make ourselves wrong, or we can use them for learning and exploration. Thomas Edison said, “I have not failed 500 times. I have successfully discovered 500 methods that do not work.” Remember you are human. Here is a powerful thought for you.

I want you to be a Good Man! I am not interested in you trying to become a Perfect Man!

Self Criticism versus Honest Self Inspection

Many men criticize themselves and judge themselves harshly. This is just self-absorbed drama. When you are deeply critical of yourself, you are degrading yourself and in doing so, avoiding the priceless lessons in your failures.

It is not your job to criticize yourself. That role is for other people. But I have learned that the more you criticize yourself harshly, the more you will invite others to do the same. Your mistakes and failures are the things that provide you with the impetus for self-correction.

But, in the same breath, be mindful of your desire to criticize others. When you do that, you have forgotten your compassion and empathy and have been hijacked by self-righteousness, one of the ugliest traits of the human ego. Remember the old lesson from the Bible, “He who hath not sinned may cast the first stone!”

Humility and Silent Power

I recalled the piece I heard on the podcast about three general categories of men. Weak Men, Strong Men and Gentlemen.

Weak men are just that. Weak! Life rolls over them and they are always at the effect of their temptations, their circumstance, and other people.

Strong men do a little better, but they tend to use brute strength and self-determinism to get through, to get what they want. Compassion and empathy may not be their strong points, and they often have little regard for weak men.

Gentlemen are strong, powerful, wise, aware, and patient. They value decency and integrity over everything. They navigate life with calm confidence, knowing they trust what they feel, and always navigating toward good. They are fierce when needed yet can be as gentle as a lamb. They trust themselves and others feel safe when they are around.

A trusted pathway to this place is humility. If your ego has been a little out of control, go and scrub some toilets. Take yourself down a peg and remind yourself of the grand scale of life. Remaining humble is powerful, listening more than you speak, allowing others to have a win, staying a half step into the background, always aware, watching, listening and being responsible for the welfare of others.

Coupling this practice with quiet contemplation helps you to develop what Stuart Wilde called “Silent Power,” a deep inner knowing without needing to outwardly express it.

Behind the Scenes and Secrets

Be mindful that your life is not anyone else’s business unless you choose to make it so. Even when you are in struggle, put on your best face, and keep those things behind the scenes. If your struggle is overwhelming you, then seek support from someone you trust.

Our life is not always perfect. That is part of the ups and downs of being a human being. But, when things are not right, you do not have to share it with the world. Who knows how reverent people will be with the information you share?

But secrets are different. When you have made a calamitous mistake, perhaps you have been gambling and lost money, or you told a lie that is coming back to bite you, tell someone you can trust. Get it off your chest. If you do not, your mind will go crazy and not allow you to rest.

I realised later in life that this is the power of Confession. Telling someone who will not judge you is the first step in healing. It opens the door for non-judgmental contemplations that deliver realizations.

During my time attending Avatar Courses and Trainings, I was able to clear out my mental closet, discovering secrets that I wasn’t even aware I was keeping. If ever you are seeking a pathway and a powerful set of tools to help you, and maybe even fast-track your journey, The Avatar Course is incredible.

Relationships and Friendships

Respecting your relationships is critical to a harmonious life. Take care of your friends. Be honest with them. Help them when they struggle. Challenge them when they are being idiotic or stupid.

Remember, when chatting with a friend who is self-destructive, it might not be helpful to start pointing out the things they are doing wrong. It might be best to start getting their attention back to who they want to be, who they want to become. When you get to this point, ask them what steps they might take right now to move in that direction. Then ask if you can stay connected and check on their progress.

When you find a romantic relationship, there are things to remember. First, good women are not that interested in idiots. So, clean up your act. Second, for love to fully develop, both parties need to be fully invested. This doesn’t always happen. You will have your heart broken. You may find yourself breaking someone else’s heart. These events give us opportunities to grow and learn.

But when you do find your person, stand beside them, and always have their back. Pay attention. Learn not to be selfish. Serve them with a sense of pleasure and always keep supporting them, sometimes nudging them, to keep growing and evolving, to go for their hopes and dreams. This is a partnership.

As a young man, you can practice this by learning to treat the women in your life with respect and dignity. Step up and be more supportive of your Mum and your Sisters. Be a gentleman to your female teachers. Take pride in the man you can be.

And a quick little tip. When a woman is struggling with a problem, she wants space to talk through it. If she has not asked you for a solution, don’t give her one. Just be interested. Hear her. Ask good questions that let her know you are with her, that you are seeking to understand. This will give her the safety she needs.

The Power of Agreements

Your integrity is often wrapped up in the agreements you make. Seek to not be flippant when making agreements. Take them seriously. And if the agreement is not working for you, step up and be honest. Seek a re-negotiation. Just breaking the agreement because it is not working for you can do a lot of damage.

A simple example might be that you have agreed to spend Saturday afternoon with a mate. On Saturday morning you feel you would prefer to take some quiet time, maybe you are a little over tired and you have some things on your mind.

Call your friend. Texting is a cop out. Be truthful. Bullshitting is a coward’s way. Your friend will feel it and your mind will keep spinning the justifications. It is ok to realign but always be honest when you do so. This keeps everything clean and there is no breach of trust.

Anyone will tell you, including me, that some of their most brutal life lessons have come as a result of a broken agreement.

Have Fun.

All the above can be a little serious. But please, have fun in your life. It is an adventure. Getting too intense and serious about your life can bog you down in your mind. That is not how it is meant to be.

Your Life Adventure is Your Spiritual Path

Maslow’s “Hierarchy of Needs” places Self-Actualization at the top of the pyramid of life needs and quests. Basically, this means finding yourself, finding out who you are and why you are in this life.

If you take it on, and patiently explore life, contemplating quietly as you go, you will begin to notice that there is an aspect of you that is aware of your mind and its activity. In meditation, they call this aspect “The Witness”.

If you allow it, this witness viewpoint will become more prevalent. I believe it is the viewpoint of your deepest inner being, your soul. There will come a time when you can operate your life from this viewpoint, using your mind deliberately as needed, but never having the mind “running the show”.

This level of personal evolution is the domain of a quiet, peaceful mind, low reactivity and a deep sense of peace and happiness.

It is a quest worth pursuing.

And for the record, many of the prayers you have learned during school and attendances at church, like The Lord’s Prayer and The Hail Mary, are Meditation Mantras. As you recite them, you focus your attention on something, perhaps the words, or an intention, and the mind begins to slow. Be patient. It takes time.

A Great Book.

One of my greatest Teachers is Harry Palmer. He wrote a brilliant book some years ago called “The Avatar Path: The Way We Came.” (Free Audio Version here) Back in ancient Sanskrit times, the Avatars were the enlightened ones, the beings who enjoyed the opportunity to grow and evolve and help others along the way.

A couple of other great books are:

“The Road Less Travelled” by M. Scott Peck.

“The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” By Stephen Covey

“The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz

“Silent Power” by Stuart Wilde.

® Avatar is a licensed Trade Mark of Stars Edge Inc. All rights reserved.