Who Do You Want to Become?

Some thoughts for the emerging generations...

There may be few things that contribute to a rewarding life than a deep sense of purpose. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs lists purpose as a crucial step in the path to self-actualization – a fancy way of describing true self-discovery.

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There is no doubt that the rate of life change over the past 40 years is as unprecedented as it is unsettling. It was only 40 years ago that personal computers became a thing. Mobile phones were limited to a select few who owned a car phone and the internet was still 5 years away.

We had no clue what was coming. It is ironic that back in the late 70’s we were predicting that computers were going to arrive and take over everyone’s job and unemployment levels would explode. Wondering if that sounds familiar.

We did not see the size of the IT industry that computers would bring and we had no concept of what the internet would create. In fact, the internet is just a platform. Humans did the creating!

Forty years ago, there were perhaps one or two cafes per suburb. The Melbourne “coffee culture” was yet to be born.

Given this extravaganza of change and innovation, it is perhaps weird for a young person to even think they can base their future direction on anything from the past.

The Power of Hopes and Dreams - Goals

When we step back and look at the situation, we can find subtleties that give us clues. It is sobering to note that only 40 years before 1985, the entire world was emerging out of war. Millions dead, countless injured and whole nations all but destroyed. How did a deeply discouraged world find its way?

In Australia, our leaders did something quite brilliant, even if they were unaware of the power of their words. They set the nation on a path to build, to grow the economy, for everyone to buy a house and to build abundance. This included buying white goods, appliances and cars.

People dreamt of a home in the suburbs, a nice car and weekend drives in the country. Big goals back then that delivered simple pleasures and peace of mind.

But human beings kept creating new things. Advances in science, better educational opportunities and thriving economies created new opportunities and advances. The momentum build was extraordinary.

Since the year 2000, once we skipped over a concerning speed bumped called “the millennium bug” a new generation arrived on earth, landing on a high-speed treadmill. Both frightening and exciting at the same time. In many ways it would not be possible to re-live your parents’ life as many generations before had done.

Whilst all this was falling in place before us, something else was disappearing. Struggle!

This is a dilemma that befalls all wealthy societies. Most people have a safe home to live in, with food abundant all the time, complemented by an astounding array of entertainment options. Hunger doesn’t exist and most meals come with choices.

In this modern world, very few ever experience having to fight for their survival. This leads to a dulling of our willpower and a concerning loss of resilience. Our lives are devoid of genuine difficulty.

I remember as an 8-year-old, standing in the rain, chopping wood for hours because the hot water system in our 15 bedroom hotel in regional Queensland needed to keep burning.

In writing this, I love how life is now, but I am acutely aware of the pitfalls that come with comfort, let alone extreme comfort. Being able to pick up a phone, place and order and have food arrive within 30 minutes is somewhat alarming. Mega calorie content with no physical effort, e.g. food preparation, is having obvious impacts on the health of so many people.

Since the end of World War 2, we have gone from minimal comfort and maximum struggle to maximum comfort with almost no struggle. The stark truth is that human beings do not evolve that fast and so we have generations who are struggling to handle life. Suicide rates are so deeply concerning.

A recent survey study revealed that 74% of men who attempted suicide and failed, reported that their primary motivation was feeling like a “useless and worthless piece of shit”.

Back to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. These include Air, Water, Nutritious Food, Shelter from the elements, including clothing, Community and a Sense of Purpose. I am not sure human design ever intended for most of this to flow easily to you without much effort, but that is where we are.

Your Will

One of my greatest teachers, Harry Palmer, looked at Maslow’s Hierarchy from a different perspective and presented it in terms of human will and the motivating forces that drive it.

At its most basic level, instinctive will, survival issues awaken the will quickly. In days gone by it meant chasing down and killing an animal. Today it involves picking up your phone.

The next level is emotional will. At this level, it is emotion that drives the will. Strong feelings may impel you into action, like anger or fear. Beyond that is the moral will where your indoctrination rules your actions. Your desire to be right or to be seen as good pushes you forward.

Self-determined will is all about setting goals, acquiring, achieving and not failing. This is the domain of professional sports and the corporate arena. It is often associated with winning and losing, high stress, competition and mental overload.

Many struggle to move into this domain because they are either trapped in a lower domain or they are too fearful to give it a try. They have not been able to build a level of resilience and self confidence that will carry them through.

Beyond these realms is Transcendence. This is where the will is motivated by altruism and care, a desire to do good things in the world that benefit others. When we operate in this place, there is an extraordinary outcome, a deep sense of feeling good about who we are. This is the richly rewarding benefit of a deep sense of purpose.

The downside of operating in the lower realms of the will is that if we rarely achieve this level of personal satisfaction. We rarely achieve states where we really like who we see in the mirror. Negative self judgement follows and soon, if we are not careful, we venture into self-degrading thinking. We tend to survive by going from one dopamine hit to the next, resisting what is really happening.

Let me take a sidestep for a moment and talk to you about attention.

Attention

Again, it was Harry Palmer who identified attention as a key element in life, purpose, wellbeing and personal success. If you speak to a physicist, they will tell you they can get a reasonably accurate estimation of the number of photons (subatomic particles) in a beam of light. So, let’s assume that attention can be broken down into units.

When you are deeply interested in something, perhaps playing your favorite computer game, all of your attention units flow directly into the game. Your Mum can call you for dinner and you probably will not hear her because all your attention is completely consumed.

If you and I were to sit down for a conversation, out of respect, I will give you all my attention. That way we can be clear in our communications and enjoy the connection. But what would happen if I received some bad news just before we met. Now, many of my attention units are being dragged into my mind, ruminating over worrying thoughts. Now I cannot be fully present with you, and you can feel it.

When we do not have our attention on something that inspires us, that excites our heart and soul, then our attention wanders and will either get seduced by some form of temptation, or it will wander back into the mind and do one of two things. It could go into imagination and begin fantasizing about an imagined future. Or it will flow into the past and drill down on the things we do not like. This is what fires up the negative thinking and critical self-talk that can drag you down into ugly self-degradation.

So, I ask you. Where is your attention? What are you focusing this most valuable resource on? Are you making plans for a great life or are you giving yourself a nasty beating over the things you feel ashamed of.

Did you know that the emotions that are masked by cocaine use are shame and guilt.

First things first, if you have done things that you are ashamed of, either clean it up or make a plan to stop doing it. It’s ok, you are a human being. The Lakota Sioux Indians had a great saying, “You are who you are. You are not what you have done!” Sometimes, if the thing is really nagging you, go and tell someone you trust. Keeping it a secret will likely make it malignant.

Who do you want to become?

Getting your life together requires a couple of things. First, who do you want to become? What sort of person do you want to be? What would you like to be admired for? What will your children say during the eulogy they give when you finally leave the planet?

Second, what are you good at? Everyone is good at something. Everyone! Whether it is designing tall buildings, playing guitar or making coffee, everyone has skills. I met Therese Rein a few years back. She built a massive international business helping long-term unemployed people back into the workforce. She had a question she asked her clients and she said that sometime the answer astounded her. The question:

“What is that thing you do that, whilst you are doing it, time disappears?”

If that doesn’t reveal anything to you, open the paper each day and scan through. See if there is anything that pisses you off, something you would like to work on correcting.

When you find something you would like to aim for, put your attention on it daily. Write it up on the wall. This might well be your life direction. If you are serious about it, you can do it.

To strengthen that goal, ask yourself who will benefit. Contemplate the ripple effect of your efforts to gain a deeper understanding of who will be touched by your work. You might be amazed. See, one of life’s deepest secrets lies right here.

Happiness is something that arises within us when we do things that help and benefit other beings, when we create things that relieve suffering and improve living conditions.

Even making an awesome coffee for someone might be the action that drops them into a contemplative state where they solve a problem for themselves, reducing their worry and making them more available to their kids. Do you see how this works?

You matter. Don’t down play your significance or the power of your hopes and dreams.

This will awaken your Transcendent Will. You start to realise how creative and powerful you are.

As you go, there are some things you might need to attend to. These include:

• Get started on earning some reasonable money. It is easier to bring your dreams alive with cashflow and no financial distress.

• Stop wasting your money on things that are not part of your plan.

• Get fitter if you need to. Training helps keep your will strong and it improves self-confidence.

• Stop eating junk. Learn to cook and begin taking care of yourself. One day you will need to cook for your kids, so build the skill now. You will save a lot of money too.

• If you have a bad day and go off the rails, remember, it is just a bad day. It is not a bad life. Get going again tomorrow.

• Find a mentor. There are plenty around. If unsure, ask around.

• Get plenty of sleep. Staying up late doesn’t work. This is about aligning your life with who you want to become.

• Find a partner to share your life with. Stand by their side but always have their back. Get excited about their dreams too. Support each other and encourage each other. Healthy relationships are all about common goals and service to each other.

Becoming More Virtuous

Finally, practicing virtue is a powerful antidote to negativity. I want to invite you to conduct your life in a way that leaves you feeling really good about who you are. Practicing virtues means getting out of your head and noticing other people. This helps get your attention out in the world. Here are some simple tips.

• Practice Kindness: Be kind to all people, especially strangers. Be kind to your parents and siblings. A smile and a warm hello can revive a person’s day.

• Have Gratitude: Focusing on what you don’t have, without a good plan to get it, is a waste. Take time to feel grateful for what you do have.

• Encouragement: When you see people making an effort, let them know you see it. Pat them on the back. Encourage means to “Give Courage to”.

• Acknowledgement: See people for who they are. Instead of saying to the waiter “Compliments to the Chef”, stick your head into the kitchen and tell them yourself.

• Forgiveness: People make mistakes and do dumb stuff. Let it go. It’s ok.

There are many others.

The world doesn’t revolve around you, but it does revolve around how you treat other beings. Your kindness may well be your greatest super power.

Selfless Service to others is so powerful that it has been known to heal disease. If you are struggling to find a way to help other people, there are things you can do. For example, whenever I am home in Melbourne, my wife and I help out at a Food Bank on Monday evenings where we feed hundreds of homeless people. It is a beautiful thing to do. I know it is building positive karma.

If you enjoy the beach, becoming a volunteer Surf Lifesaver is incredible. Not only do you get to do something valuable, you become involved in a warm and inviting community who value for your contributions and for who you are. It is here that you may find a mentor.

The other great organisation is the CFA. Become a volunteer Fire Fighter. This is profound, selfless service. And again, it places you among a brilliant community of kind, big hearted people who are loving and caring.

As a young person, inserting yourself into these groups, you surround yourself with mature and wise adults who want you to achieve your best. This is a gift to your own life. Magic can happen when you find “your people”.

Please send me a message and tell me your story.

Note: I have had many great teachers. Chris Jones taught me how to write and helped me with my presenting. He also broadened my perspectives when it came to preparing athletes. Harry Palmer provided the tools and procedures that allowed me to completely wake up, to discover the core of who I am. His work is so deeply profound and is available to anyone who wishes to dive deep and discover the true meaning of their life, to find out why they are here and how they can deliver their best gifts to humanity. You can learn more about Harry’s Work at The Avatar Course.